I watched some Youtube videos about depression. One video said that, if you can function well, then you're not depressed. I'm confused about that. All through my life, I've pretty much always been able to function. The video said that, if you function well, then you're sad, but not depressed.

I'm not saying that it's real important what label is put on my state of mind. But it does seem to matter. When my mother died, I was extremely sad, but not depressed. Those are two very different states. When my boyfriend died I was very sad at first. After a few weeks, I became depressed, as well as sad. I ended up going for an inpatient stay because I wanted to die. I left the hospital feeling much better.

I don't feel like I have any reason to go into a hospital right now. I feel very bad, but I am not a danger to myself. I did tell my sister that I've been very down and could use some support. She knows I deal with depression. Still, she is not offering me much. It was hard for me to ask her for help. Many years ago, I told her I was depressed. She said, "It sounds like you need professional help." That seemed like her way of saying that me being depressed was not her problem and that I better not expect her to address what was my problem. So I didn't bother her any further at that time. After my boyfriend died, she was pretty nice and started calling me a lot. She was already a widow herself, and seemed more understanding.

The week at the hospital helped, but it was the calls from my two sisters that also helped a lot. I recovered very well. For over two years, I'ld been doing pretty okay.

I have another sister who has kept very in touch. She sends me gifts and is extremely thoughtful. I don't discuss depression with her though. Some years ago I called her and told her I was depressed. She said, "Use your coping skills." and she couldn't get off the phone quick enough. She tends to think that depression is a choice. Plus, she was so concerned all summer, when I was in and out of the hospital with physical problems, that I don't want to burden her more. That leaves me pretty much on my own. I do appreciate the help I've gotten here.

It's awful waking up in the middle of the night. I better do things later today and make some progress. My thoughtful sister is away on a special trip, which is another reason I don't want to bother her.

This is getting to be a bad episode of whatever it is. I don't have the help I had two years ago.