@MuseumGhost - thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. I'm sorry you lost your dad and brother, who were understanding of the struggle you were having with your diagnosis. Life sure can be cruel. I'm very familiar with that alternative, negating view that sees depression as glorified sulking. People are quick to say, "Well, I've been depressed lots of times, but I never gave in to it." I just never confided much to anyone because I didn't expect there to be much understanding. Even my thoughtful sister used to say, "You just dwell on things too much." So I didn't much burden my family with any talk about me having depressive episodes. Then, when my boyfriend died, they did get worried that I might not handle the grief without going off the deep end, especially since I had no circle of people to lean on where I live. They started keeping closely in touch. It felt great for them to take that much interest in me. I still didn't do any whining to them.

Some counselors I've talked to always said, "It sounds like your meds need adjusting." I really hate hearing that. Depression isn't like an infection, whereby you just need to find the right antibiotic. Times when my life's been very lonely, there's just no amount of drugs that would fix that.

I don't think people who aren't prone to depression can really understand people who are. Even professionals in the mental health field often pay a lot of lip service and use the right talking points, but deep down harbor a certain disdain toward clients whose mental health problems are chronically recurring. I wish there were something analogous to AA for depressives. I even went to AA at times, thinking that folk there would know a lot about depression first-hand. And I had tried alcohol as a remedy. But I didn't develop much of a drinking habit. People at AA could tell I wasn't really one of them. In some ways, I was more broken. When I got real depressed, I had no interest in drinking. I've never met a doctor or a therapist who said they themselves wrestled with depression. There must be some out there.

I think people fear listening to someone say they are depressed because they fear that the person might become suicidal, and they don't want to be cited as having been in a position to foresee that. So, if someone complains of feeling very depressed, their knee-jerk response is, "Sounds like you need help. You better go get some help . . . as in professional help." If they're real generous, they might say, "Do you want me to drive you to a hospital?" Their attitude is: "You need to go see a doctor." Those telephone crisis lines see their roll as mainly providing referrals. Just about everyone wants to refer you to someone else. They want to "put you in touch with the right resources." Families think, "We better turn this over to professional people." So they minimize contact with the person, when warmth from family is precisely what the person needs. Instead, they think the person needs their meds adjusted.

I did therapy to death. There's nothing left for me to talk about. There's nothing left to analyze. I was doing pretty well just hearing from my sisters and all three of us planning our reunion. Then one just ghosts me. So I have to grieve that loss and find others to be connected with.

I do know that there's all kind of stuff online, some of it unreliable. I've only just started to realize that the makers of podcasts are possibly making money through what they put up on Youtube. Thanks for mentioning that. I'm still kind of naiive about Youtube. I'm not sure where all these TEDX presenters are coming from.

My primary does prescribe my antidepressant that I've been on for years. I do better on it than off it. I'm not seeing any psychiatrist or therapist. I did all of that over and over for many years. The last time was after my boyfriend died. No meds helped beyond the one med I've taken for years. Hearing from family and keeping busy was what got me well. I need to make some friends. I need to get out of my apartment.