I woke up from 3-5am and woke up at 6am for good. I’ve been using Covid as an excuse to stay sequestered in bed (though it is a real excuse, I’m really not trying to get CR sick). But even when no one is home I’m glued to this bed. Im ordering lunch today because I can’t put forth the effort to get to the kitchen and make a sandwich. Im not sure I’ll even be able to go to the front door and pick up the lunch when it’s delivered. Not without a good five minute fight. I did dye my hair, only because then I could stand in the shower for 20 minutes rinsing it out. So at least I’m clean.

Im not even getting dressed in real clothes. I’m in sweats today, yesterday I was in my workout leggings. Putting on jeans and a real shirt is too much. This is really bad, if you knew me you’d understand that not wearing real clothes triggers me and I have NEVER, not in my deepest and darkest, been unable to get dressed.

I can’t even listen to music, I’m just laying here with the fan running in near silence. I took 50mg seroquel in hopes of sleeping but to no avail. I’m just tired.



I don’t have a clue as to how I’m going to get through work tomorrow. I really thought this would be a job I could do. But now…now I feel like permanent disability is just looming closer and closer. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, I know many of us here are on it. It’s just upsetting. I can’t work customer service part time either, I tried that over the summer at the dollar store. My brain is too ravaged from ECT and meds, I can’t remember things and I certainly can’t count money. I screwed up all the time.

Maybe I just need a break. It just makes me sad that since I’ve worked full time (since 2011) I’ve had to take leave every year except for two. It’s not going to be sustainable in the long run.

I’ll see what pnurse has to say. I keep saying this but I really hope she has a fast working suggestion. Even if there’s just some hope.

Edit:
Oh no now I’m hearing music. When I’m very bad I hear soft repeating music. Now I’m getting scared