I just wanted to say 'hi', and well done for restarting therapy, but more importantly well done for disclosing what you have been holding onto for so many years. I can totally relate to the whole 'not feeling like it was actually you who said those things' thing. Our brains are very clever apparently and can split off when we have suffered trauma. It's taken me six years of therapy to actually see that CSA is trauma, and to try and start to heal from it, but facing it is the hardest part, and you have taken a step in the right direction by telling someone. Hopefully, in time, your brain will be able to face what happened without the need to ghost out from itself. I hope that for everyone trying to come to terms with their past, me included. If it's any consolation, I've been working with my therapist for over a year now, and up until last week was only ever able to look at her when she had her eyes closed!

When I first started this long journey, I definitely remember feeling like that too. I went to see one lady, and all I remember is going up the stairs at the beginning of the session. I don't remember anything about it, and I don't even remember coming back down again. I can only imagine that the brain is dealing with SO much more internally that external factors like what your therapist looks like just aren't registering. Again, hopefully in time it will level out, but my personal experience is that it takes a long time, a lot of hard work, an experienced therapist (my last one, whilst a wonderful human being and great for attachment work was not great for the trauma side it seems.)

I hold the hope for you that you might not be able to hold for yourself.