Hi,

I'm going through a separation currently. I've hung on for years trying, hoping, praying for a change. Finally, my wife left me.

Me hanging on didn't keep her, or keep our marriage together.

Others here gave you advice. They also gave me advice that I was slow to receive.

You're in an enormous amount of pain right now. As your new reality settles in, you have to start taking steps to take action. This is hard.

A friend told me some things that made a difference to me:
- if this is a mental health issue, your spouse may have to crash before they commit to getting help
- if this is an addiction issue, the same applies.
- if you are hoping for reconciliation, no one reconciles by being paid off.
- every dollar that goes to your spouse is at the expense of your kids' futures.

Soon.... As soon as you are able, isolate your finances.

We love our spouses, but adults have the luxury of making decisions. Your kids need your protection.

There's something wrong with your spouse's attachment. He may have severe anxiety and insecure attachment. In the absence of You, he quickly finds a surrogate. He could also be so full of self loathing that he's convinced you don't want him, so he directs his attention somewhere else. But porn and prostitutes are a fake ego boost. When he's face to face with you, he's ashamed, defensive, and has an attitude towards you because you have real relationship expectations of him, not the fantasy he lives when he's away.

You're in pain and you're hurting. If you think you caused this, remember that we're all human, we all screw up, but what he's doing is THE issue. It's him and his actions that have to change. Protect your kids.

RDMercer