Hello everyone,

My name is John (35) and I really need some help on how to deal with all of this.
The last couple of years were really difficult for me and my family.
- In 2020, my grandma (97 now) a perfectly healthy woman with no health problems broke her hand and because of the shock, a hidden dementia came to light and took over. Badly at first, but then it got under control.
- Due to her accident and the shock, sadly something happened with my dad (grandma is his mother-in-law). After close to half of a year of rushing him to the hospital, at least 10 times, for an unknown reason, he was finally hospitalized and spent close to 5 months in UNI, losing his ability to talk (was ventilated), to eat (he was fed from a tube). He finally died in january last year. He was 66 and died with close to 29 kg.
- During this period, my 7 year old relationship ended, because I was constantly either at the hospital for my dead or at the care home for my grandma and in all trying to keep an eye on mum who was facing all of this nightmare. - eventually, I was glad it ended because I didn't need someone like that in my life.
- I've remade my life, did just two sessions of therapy. I needed someone to listen and it worked + I had my coping mechanism that always worked.

However, two weeks ago, grandma's situation went sideways. Her care home roommate died and I think she had a shock that led to her fall. She was close of breaking her leg, she didn't, however, she can't walk alone anymore. But that is not the bad thing, the problem is her dementia really advanced suddenly after keeping her under control as much as she could.
I went to see her on Monday and when I looked at her in the bed, so fragile, so powerless, I felt a pain in my heart that I've never known before.

I thought I was prepared to let her go, but seeing her like this is shaking the core of whole of me. That image keeps on coming, with her there, powerless, the stuff of my nightmares as a kid.
I am a decent person because of her and seeing her like that it really affects me. Last night I was trying to have sex with my GF and those images came into my mind again and I had to stop.

For the moment I will not go to therapy. I want to, but I have to be smart, because most of my money are going into keeping my grandma into that state-of-the-art care home and doing therapy will really empty my pockets.

So, does anyone have a small input into this? Some tricks to keep my mind away from that?
I don't want to become overwhelmed with the pain of seeing her like that and hearing all the nonsense she speaks because of dementia.

Thank you!