One of the things narcissists and addicts do is they need a drama feed every day. This is what makes living with them so exhausting and puts their partner in constant hyper-vigilance. This kind of presence leads to anxiety and depression which is what you and your sons have been struggling with. There is no sense of peace and part of the codependent development comes from a constant effort to have a sense of peace. It is much like having a baby in your home that is constantly crying about something, always needing attention.

At least with your wife out of the home there is SOME sense of peace and quiet. Have you noticed that a little yet? In reading your thread I see all the red flags including your uttering of feeling crazy. What is concerning to me is your thoughts of not wanting to exist. This means you are emotionally exhausted and it’s important you understand where that is coming from. The narcissist always stands out and are at the top of the list and it typically starts first thing in the morning AND they are NOT self aware enough to see this about themselves. They are terrible at relationships because everything revolves around them and their need to maintain their illusion.

For alcoholics, they go to the bar and consume alcohol and sit and wait for someone they can snatch into their world of DRAMA. These women your wife has joined up with? They go to the bars hunting and swear they can find men to use. These are individuals that USE. They also do this on social media. If you think about your relationship it’s always been about HER.

That’s not a relationship, that’s a prison.

If you spend time at an alanon meeting you will meet others whom like you are stressed and worn out. They are people just like you that loved someone that literally drained them. You will learn that alcoholism is not what you thought. Many alcoholics actually function and have jobs. They are masters at hiding their addiction.

It’s important your sons both learn about this because they both have been affected. Your oldest knows and clearly has reached out for help. And that man you sat with who knew, well it’s not really hidden like you thought. Your sons share their stress with their friends.