I cried through most of my session today. Last session, we'd talked about my trying to make some improvements in my life, and I left session feeling all positive about that. Which didn't last long. I was just filled with despair today, asking "what's the point?" about some things. And saying it felt almost like I was on a hamster wheel.

Dr. T made the realization that part of why I'm struggling right now is that I don't really have anything in particular that I'm aiming/working toward. Whether something like writing (I've talked about a therapy memoir), learning a musical instrument, working on changes to my career, etc. And we discussed how I often have ideas of things I want to do, but almost immediately shut them down for whatever reason. Like, "It would be nice to learn to play the cello, but googling shows that it's one of the most difficult instruments to learn, so there's no point in trying." And he said that I could just try a lesson with a rented instrument and see how it goes; I could always stop, try a different instrument, try something else. (That was just an example--I was also talking about joining a writing group, stuff like that.)

I mentioned going to a restaurant last night and having the host say I could sit wherever I wanted. And I struggled to decide on a table, then was unhappy with the one I picked (H--who was meeting me there--and I ended up moving to the bar). And Dr. T said in a way, that's a perfect metaphor. It's like I'm standing at the door of the restaurant unsure of which table to pick. When I can just pick one, and if it's the wrong one, I can change or just deal with sitting there, and then it's just one meal.

He said the first step is to think about my skills, what I want to be doing more of, what I want to learn. Then from there, come up with some goals of things to try. How that can make life feel more worth living, having something you're striving toward. That it's something he's realized in both his personal and professional life. And he said it seems I feel like I'm not going to succeed at anything. Dr. T: "What happened to the person who was amazing at school? Who was an overachiever? She's still in there." Me: "I don't know that she is." Dr. T: "Yes, she is." It helped to hear that, even if I don't fully believe it.

At the end of the session, he gave my hand a squeeze while shaking it and said, "I hope your next couple of days are better." I did feel better when I left his office. It seemed like we made a sort of breakthrough, as to some of the source of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life, and I'm hoping I can make something of it.