Rupunzel, I understand what you are saying, I guess I find it hard to just let go, I don't like the feelings. If I tear up in T she tells me to relax and just let it come but I can't I just shut down, dissociate, I can't tell you why. I guess I have done that for a long time. I know I have to undo it but I can't make myself do it.

Somehow I think if I let it go, I will lose it, never stop crying, go crazy , something. I have never been one to cry infront of people and find it hard to do in T as well. I have a very hard time being vulnerable, I know I have lots of reason not to be as well. I also know its not healthy and that I have to learn to trust more, I'm just not there yet. Im new at this whole thing. I kept the abuse a secret for 20 years its not like I can just pour it all out now. Though I would like to.

Christina, I like what you said about letting it out just before you were about finished with your T. I do that in T now. I find it hard to talk, then right at the end I feel more ready to share, but its to late then...ugh....

I have journaled a few things, though her and I agreed I needed a break from some of that because it was causing me too much anxiety in school and life in general.

I think in the back of my mind I thought I was going to go in there, get it all out, and be on my way. Now I hear people are in T for years. Maybe I just have to learn to be patient with me.
The whole this is frightening.....I am afraid I will only get worse as I have such an array of emotions at this point. I feel as though I am worse now than I was before I started.