Thank you @East17.

I will try to do that.
I have my coping method, one was to go every Saturday in the morning, to her apartment and take care of her flowers. I've been doing this for almost two years now since she in the care home. Just sit there, drink my coffee and fill up my energy levels because everything there is blocked in the 80s/90s. She never updated her home so it looks like my childhood.
Occasionally I cry, so I am looking forward to do this Saturday.

I am just tired. I want to pass the torch to someone for just a couple of weeks, but there is no one there. I need it soo much.