I'm glad you are working at good self care by not drinking nor otherwise self harming. You aren't the fault of all this, so there isn't any reason to take it out on yourself.

I do understand wanting to escape the bad feelings... and for temporary help you need to distract yourself away from those negative thoughts. If you do get to chat, try not to go over and over the stuff running in your mind. Try to chat about other things that are not so disconcerting.

Good wishes.