I wonder if you are trauma bonded to your wife. You could be. A trauma bond forms between the abuser and their victim, and the victim is the one who suffers from the trauma bond. It's very hard to break and is akin to breaking an addiction, which is what I've read on the subject.

Maybe read up on the trauma bond. Codependency is also a large part of it, for you - wanting to save your wife and marriage, even if it's at your own expense.

I know I am trauma bonded to my abusive husband, and I am having great difficulty breaking the addiction. I want him to consistently be the loving, supportive and affectionate man I sometimes see in him. And right now, he's being that person, making it easier for me to forget all the bad things.

I've read that victims of abuse want the normalcy back SO badly, that they will adopt abuse amnesia - forgetting all the bad things that person has done and remembering and holding onto only the good things.

Thing is, your wife hasn't been a loving person for a very long time. The woman you met and fell in love with is long gone. You're holding onto someone she was in the beginning, but not who she is now or who she has been over recent years.

It's a very confusing process, so I understand your conflicting emotions.

And it's not so black and white. People who have never been in an abusive relationship or marriage have trouble understanding how hard it really is to break free.

Do you know that statistically, it takes people an average of 7 times to finally leave an abuser? SEVEN TIMES!

I've left 3 times. And right now, my husband is doing his very best to lure me back.

Go easy on yourself with this process. It's NOT easy.

When you stare reality in the face though, head on, and accept that she is not the woman you initially married and that those good times have been LONG GONE, it's a little easier to swallow.

Keep yourself grounded in reality vs fantasy of who she used to be.

You long for the fantasy and the mirage of someone who is capable of giving you all the love, support, affection, and parental/domestic assistance that you want and need.

When you look at the stark difference between what you really want in a partner, and what your wife has actually provided, it is eye opening.

Don't ever forget all the bad things that have brought you to this point in the relationship. Don't adopt abuse amnesia, clouding your perception. Stay grounded in reality. It helps. It's very sobering, yes, and very disappointing, yes, to say the least. And of course, it's heartbreaking.

But, this is a relationship that will never be healthy, and which will only bring you further turmoil, misery, upset, and negativity in your household. It just cannot be sustained any longer.

Same with my own marriage.