I hear you about patience and I try every day and usually succeed.

It would be a lot easier without threats of ending what I have focused my adult life on ...our marriage and loving my wife .
The fear of it ending is overpowering to me and crushes my self esteem and confidence which only makes me more willing to accept fault.

It's tough being told what you're doing wrong on a regular basis by someone who escapes through alcohol instead of focusing on her stuff and her marriage or how much this is damaging me and how it effects our son . I know I have been damaged by this , I'm learning it through my therapy.

I have given so much for her over the years, sacrificed so much and stood by her side when I know many would not have . I don't want a medal for it , I just wish I could get some understanding/tolerance like she expects of me . It seems like a 1 way street when it comes to that .

I know she doesn't mean to hurt me . I am absorbing a lot and struggling not to believe that it is all me causing this .

Deep down inside when I think about it I know it's not me causing the majority of this. In the moment however it's all to easy to accept blame because if it is my fault then I can fix it in my fixer mentality.

I love her so very much, I know she is damaged and I should be able to realize that it's not all me . She means everything to me so I guess all I can do is keep swimming and hope that we come out of this whole and together. It just hurts so badly right now.