I am remaining strong with my husband. I told him yesterday on no uncertain terms that I can't get back together with him, that I don't want to lead him on and that I will not jerk him around. He did save me from the cold the other day and brought me two space heaters to warm my apt (I think I mentioned this already). I needed help and he was there to help. But I still had to nip it because he then was asking me to come over to his place for lunch, and offered to come over to my place at night to give me a head rub since I had a bad headache.

I think I feel more confident in my stance now. I was wavering and was considering it again.... I was weakened, but now I feel stronger again. I am listening to my inner voice AND my gut vs my emotional pull towards him. And I think I may even be over the emotional pull - I see his attempts as manipulations again. All smoke and mirrors, with very little to back it up.

I know he won't change - why would he? He hasn't so far, so why would he now? His behaviors are so engrained in him at this stage. And with him, if it's not one thing, it's another.

To boot, I've lost 10 pounds so far, of the 17 pounds that I gained while with him. I am feeling better about myself, my weight and how I feel about how I look. I joined the local YMCA and went swimming last week - just once, but I plan on going this week again. I am eating healthier foods, and I am generally sticking to my diet - all things I never would have accomplished if I were with him again.

I also met a man online who friended me on Facebook. He lives in another state, but we are chatting - just friendly chats, no flirtations. He is a hiker & a skier, and reminds me of all that I used to be and still am. This side of me has been buried for YEARS, so it's a great reminder for me of all that I was missing while with my husband. I stopped hiking, I stopped skiing, I stopped kayaking, sailing, and roller blading - all things I love to do. What grand adventures did my husband take me on? None. Our biggest adventures were to get a hotel for some band out of town, or go out for a fine dining experience, or take a very short walk around the block, or drive to our favorite energy crystal store to buy crystals. Boring!!!!

I want to ski, hike and camp, roller blade and kayak again. I want to venture across the country again to California to go to the vineyards in Sonoma County. I want to drive highway 101 again down the coast of California - I want to visit San Francisco again, and I want to ski in Canada. I want to travel to Italy and maybe Costa Rica. I have dreams - big dreams that were never going to be fulfilled living with my husband - never.

And this guy online is reminding me of all my biggest dreams and desires in life - it's so refreshing!!!!!! I need this. I don't plan or intend on dating him at all. Just talking and friendly chats. But having this side of me come back to life again - is amazing..... and in feeling this alive within me makes me even stronger in my stance with my husband.