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I've been seeing M. for 4 years. For some of that time, however, she's been sick and misses a week of sessions (I see her twice/week). Twice she's been out for three months. So therapy has been inconsistent. This autumn and (so far) winter, therapy has been consistent. I've been feeling safe and secure.
I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Last week I had a mild hypomanic episode, following a 4 month long deep depression. The hypo state was heightened, in part, by starting a new antidepressant. But I'm also seeing very early signs of spring (flowers!) and that's given me a lot of enthusiasm...which tends to go a bit overboard.
The session before last was deep. At the end of each session my t and I always hug. I look forward to that. But that session I was feeling quite intense and held onto our hug for about a full minute. M. allowed that, then gently said, "Okay, you have to let go." Which I did. I felt so safe after that hug.
I was feeling that finally, I had attached to a relationship with another human being. I could relax inside of it. I was feeling wonderful. I thanked M. for allowing us to hug for a longer time, that it meant a lot to me. She replied, "Yes...I was starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable when I said 'You have to let go."
Well, when she said "a little uncomfortable" it ruined the hug. I felt very embarrassed. The session, however, was again productive. Near the end I asked M., "Do you love me?" She quickly replied, "Yes. Yes, I do." And gave her reasons why. She was sincere. I felt immensely validated and secure.
Yesterday I emailed her (haven't for a long time). I told her something that I wanted to be honest about (nothing to do with my relationship to her). I said, "If you have time today, could you just call me and leave a message so I can hear your voice."
A while, and the phone rang. I felt warm inside because yes, it was her. I expected her to say something short..."I hope you're having a good day," or "Remember to practice your breathing and I'll see you on Thursday."
No. Her message, sounding detached and slightly annoyed, was long. She told me that if I am feeling I'm in crisis I need to go to the ER or call (a certain friend) or (another friend). Call a crisis line...dah, dah, dah.
Then an email, "I have a video I want to watch together on Thursday about emotions."
I emailed her back and explained that no, I'm not in crisis!- on the contrary I felt really happy because she had said "I do love you" and told me the reasons why. She emailed right back, "Thanks for the clarification."
Now I'm feeling extremely ashamed. She's uncomfortable with my level of intensity. We have a session scheduled for tomorrow and she wants to watch the video. I'm afraid that, while it may be ultimately helpful, the video will anger me.
My impulse is to cancel tomorrow's session and tell M. "I want to give you a break from me, and also process through my intense feelings so I'm calmer for Monday's session." But, I also feel angry and (as usual) confused about M.'s reactions to me. I feel unlovable all over again. It's very, very hard to take in the wonderful things she said when it feels like she contradicts herself. Yet, I also know that my intensity scares her, and that she still cares about me. Confused!
Any ideas, suggestions, shared experiences?
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