I hope you will be able to find a pathway through your feelings regarding your dark past.

I'm old. And I have a dark past over which I carry around a huge load of guilt and shame. Too late to do anything about any of it now. Over time, unresolved guilt and shame can eat a person from the inside out. (I know this from personal experience.)

In my case, my past is something I was never able to talk about with anyone. I probably should have. I hope you have the opportunity to do so, as well as to find ways to resolve whatever damage you feel you did. Since I never did it, I can't say whether or not it helps. But I think it's worth a try. The one thing I do know is that simply allowing those feelings of being unlovable and unworthy of forgiveness to go unresolved is a prescription for ongoing sorrow as the years roll by. Best wishes...