I have mixed feelings about talking/not talking, but from what I've seen/experienced, victims tend to get revictimized time and again because abusers (covert abusers) are unscrupulous and pull out all the stops. It's not unusual for people to break up and for friends and family to take the side of the abuser because the truth has remained in the dark.

In many of the books I've read, there's a push to make sure you don't hide your experience as a victim. It's important for your experience to come out in the light of day, but given that your marriage is in the process of ending, it's probably a good time to practice a lot of discretion.

At present, I'm reading a book titled In Sheep's Clothing. It's about manipulative people. Its rather good. He doesn't give them much leeway, or spend time trying to explain how and why. As he says, we spend too much time trying to understand them, and not enough time protecting ourselves and putting up appropriate boundaries.

When dh first started acting weird or extra weird, I wasted a lot of time trying to figure out if he was borderline, or depressed, or had dementia, or what. I don't know and may never know, so now focus on me much more and don't subject myself to unhealthy encounters if at all possible. Anyhow, early on I talked to a lot of people, just wanting feedback and validation-there is some value in that, but the more codependency work I do, the more it doesn't matter. The more individuated I become from him, the more his actions and behaviors seem distant and irrelevant. We wouldn't tolerate that kind of treatment from most other people and wouldn't waste time thinking about it either. We can't fix any of them, even the ones we're bonded to. Please don't doubt yourself, RD, we all know your wife has issues and you've given away too much of your heart and soul in the process.

You aren't alone.

(((Hugs)))