I’m in a complicated situation. I will make it brief.

Mother died. Aunt jumps in and immediately tells me I’m a very angry person and I am not allowed to go the cremation because “you’ll say or do something hurtful.”

She tells me mother’s partner thinks I’m very angry and everyone always talks about my anger. She emphasized how these third party sources thought poorly of me. I had probably not met a single one of the people she mentioned.

I ask to go to my mother’s cremation, citing it’s not the time to start labeling my feelings.

She wrangles in another third party into the situation; my brother. My brother says I’ll probably say or do something bad or embarrassing. They both actively stonewall information from me. My brother refuses to talk me. I get upset and ask for some honesty

The history with my brother is such: he was very physically and emotionally violent towards me when he was an adult, and I was a child. He was encouraged to hit me by my mother. He continued a pattern of actual domestic violence and criminal behaviour into his 40’s. I’m not sure his behaviour ever stopped.

I am stonewalled from attending the cremation. My aunt chimes in after the cremation that I was invited but she told my mom’s partner he had to contact me directly and it wasn’t her problem to tell me.

I kind of was like okay, what’s the point of telling me that information too late.

I was a bit put off. I sent an email explaining my feelings and concerns, saying it seemed insensitive to tell me third- party sources I’ve never met think I’m too angry.

I said although me and my brother have a troubling past giving him literally all the control over the information reminded me of how he was given all the control over me in the past. I said I realize that was not deliberate on their part but that’s what it looks like.

I said I have many feelings other than anger, and place stop looping third parties in (who have never met me) as “proof” of that anger.

I said I am having complicated grief and please hold space for me.

My aunt replied back saying she didn’t know what I was talking about. Suddenly she never talked to my mom’s partner in 6 years, and then told she only got updates from many different people about my mom only.

I was confused. I didn’t read the email beyond the first paragraph. I Felt actually kind of lied to but apologized said I didn’t want to cause drama and said I’ll talk to my therapist.

In response they isolated me. Cut me off at Christmas and my birthday.

I got frustrated at that.

I reread her last email in full a couple days ago. I noticed she seemed to want to always loop other people into “the drama” who had no part in the issue.

She told I’d imagined everything and it was all in my head. She said I accused them of labeling me as bad. She made a sorry, not sorry apology.

I said so what you’re saying is you labelled me as angry, due to something someone said about me 6 years ago. I asked her to refrain for looping people into judgments about my character who don’t know me. And stop pulling people into this discussion who have nothing to do with how you spoke to me.

I said her apology was disingenuous because she had to make an elaborate excuse about “that never happening” and “you’re imagining things.” I asked her to stop gaslighting me and just apologize.

She flew into a tirade. Accused me of being exactly like my mother. She accused me of causing drama. She said she didn’t believe my sorrow over the abuse. And literally seemed to make up with things I said, at some point in time. She told me to stop dragging my poison into her life. She said “I’m a happy person, you clearly are not.”

I made an impassioned plea. I said I am not even angry, just very tired and confused. I said something about my brother wanting control everything because he doesn’t want the abuse history disclosed.

I said she is acting like my mother but I do not consider her inherently evil.

I asked her to have empathy. I said she is kinda acting like my mom with some of her toxic comments. I said my mother’s death was not the time to tell me everyone thinks negatively about my character.

She said my behaviour was bordering on psychotic. She said I needed help. She then accused me of harassment, and was disowning me.

I said cool, have a nice life.

She then looped my uncle in next who went on about never buying them gifts. I usually buy them wine or get them a card, but that never happened to them. I never said happy birthday although I usually always did. Just not recently because of everything.

They said I have a very short term memory.

I said they have to stop emailing me because clearly we can’t have a balanced email conversation.

I told my aunt I want to cease all contact. I said she has thoroughly devalued me enough and there is just no point in having this discussion.

I’m going to my therapist. I’m changing my phone number and email.

I just give up. My therapist doesn’t think I’m a narcissist. My aunt does. She can’t seem to recognize her own behaviour either.