I feel so terrible. My skin literally feels like it’s crawling. I want to SH so badly. I’m ready to do something I shouldn’t just to go sleep and I honestly don’t care if I wake up, except I have to because I can’t leave CR by himself. I’m actually resentful right now of CR and RS because if they weren’t in my life then I could go for it. I know that’s just horrible to think and to say.

I know it will end because this is all cyclical but I know it just hurts so bad in the moment it’s hard to think forward. And I was feeling better but now I’m back in this hole. It was a tease. I don’t want to go IP because nothing changes IP. There’s nothing they can do. The only thing I can do is do ECT. It’s done outpatient too but I can’t because no one can take me to and from.

I do not care about not hurting myself at the moment. Everyone else does, not me. I’m only staying free for them. I would do it in a heartbeat and I might anyway. What’s the difference anyway. Who cares.

Whatever. I’m just having a bad night.