Today I am seriously down in the dumps - and I mean SERIOUSLY. The reality of divorce - our court date ahead - is making me immensely sad. I want it to have worked out. I really don't want this and wish he could just be the loving husband I want him to be, but he's not, and I have to face this reality square in the face.

I am caught in the fantasy of him - given all his words as of late - I fed into them and have fed into the fantasy that he dishes out to me. I have to shake off his words, know that they are manipulation instead and that none of it is real. He is not who he says he is... not by a long shot. And, I have to keep reminding myself of this because the more distance I get from the toxic behaviors makes me forget the toxic behaviors. Abuse amnesia. And, he's only been nice lately.. trying to win me back over.

THANKFULLY, I still have my gut instincts & my inner voice, and I am listening to BOTH. I am not going to keep feeding into this. I have to stop and I have to come down to reality. He's a far cry from the husband I really want. His words and promises are all empty words and promises. Smoke and mirror effect. He is hiding the true him from me right now... the one who gets angry, who retaliates, who insults me, who makes me question his fidelity because of how he acts around other women and other things that make me not trust him, he is problematic physically, he overspends, and he is a child who plays video games 24/7. We didn't have emotional OR physical intimacy after a while. I started to shut down and shut off parts of myself and stopped sharing because he was always so critical of me and of anything I told him I did or said at work or in interpersonal relationships. I was always in the wrong. His way was always the right way, not mine. And I constantly had to wait for him... for everything. He tried my patience almost every day.

And I became a shell of my former self. I became a shell, I became isolated and dependent on him, just as all abusers want and aim to accomplish. And he did just that. Took me away from all the activities I enjoy, from socializing at events, and even from getting together with my friends.

I have to remember ALL of this... this is the real him. Not some made up man that he pretends he is.