Uuuuugh. I can’t get this weight off my chest. I’m calmer today but just so, so depressed. I managed to get the dishes and some of my laundry done. There’s a mixture of SH and SI today. A lot more SI than there has been. I suppose it’s just because it’s dragging on. I have no sense of time so I don’t know when I started the Wellbutrin. I think it’s only been two weeks. Which means I’ve been desperately depressed for about a month. It feels like way longer than that.

I don’t know if work will be good or bad for me tomorrow. Sometimes it’s better to be out of the house rather than laying in bed but at the same time work is so hard when I’m like this. It’s like which is the lesser of two evils. I suppose work is because at least there’a less things to hurt myself with. Not that I’m above self harming at work, I’ve done it plenty of times in past jobs.

RS said (obviously) that he’ll support anything I want to do to help this (we were talking about ECT) except self harm of course. But he said “I don’t think you want to do that anymore anyway, you’re just having thoughts”. Boy is he wrong. I DO want to. It’s not a form of self-punishment for me like it is for some. He thinks it is, I think. But I just stayed silent. Why start a whole big thing.

I feel I'm just…I don't know. Ready to give up. I feel like I already have given up. It’s not long now before something happens. Because I’m at about 75% don’t care.