My APN had an opening for Thursday so I took it. I’m not hopeful. But maybe. There’s no magic quick fix. It’s just it’s dangerous for me sometimes.

I am quite ashamed of my feelings last night. I don’t really wish RS and CR weren’t in my life. I shouldn’t have said that. What if I wished it into the universe.

I’m resigned right now to being miserable. I am still on the side of not caring about self harming. I do wish I had never promised RS. I had trouble taking my medication last night. I just was thinking wtf is the point. But I filled my box for the week and took the nightly handful. I had negative thoughts about those meds in my possession but it is what it is.

Work is proving to be very difficult indeed and I will probably make up some excuse to leave after special (2:15p).