You sound healthy in how you feel. It’s good you say you don’t want to become negative in the relationship and prefer to step back to protect yourself.

I’ve had/have relationships where I hang up the phone feeling worse, too. I have struggle in this way from my mother, though we never had toxic phone conversations until I was in my 30’s. I had a best friend who became way too much this kind of a struggle, and had to end the friendship for exactly this reason of her using my vulnerabilities against me to make herself feel better about herself. I wonder if the groundwork needs to be laid by a family of origin dysfunction to later choose a frenemy relationship.

There was a dynamic of dumping emotions on the other person. They would be supportive, then dump theirs back at you. This seemed to be a loving, supportive relationship. But it really wasn’t when jabs got taken as put downs, usually disguised as humor, thinly veiled insults. I make a conscious effort now to just give the good news, keep it light, just the facts ma’am with my mother. I’ve had many conversations with my sister where we discuss the family dysfunction and mental health (out of the necessity of having to cope), and these talks are honestly supportive. I don’t hang up feeling bruised. But, now that we have discussed and understand the pathology we are coping with, there isn’t much more to say except to encourage to cope.

I wish I had been able to maintain better self control and not become negative in a toxic relationship. My anger made it worse and was not a good look on me. It was too hard to contain my anger and frustration. As the heat was dialed up on me, and I didn’t see it coming, wasn’t prepared, was in shock, it was not possible for me to stay calm. I lost myself in my emotions and am ashamed by how that made me look. It’s not who I am. And yet I have to accept that is who I became for a long time in my life. So sending strength to you to stay true to yourself.

My suggestion to step back from this friend is to just gradually stop discussing the subjects that have become a struggle. If there are things you enjoy doing with her that build a connection, then pursue those. I agree, don’t incite her especially if she says she is a vindictive person. I find people do tell you who they are and it is wise to believe them. Even really bad, dangerous people have outright told me they are. It’s almost like they bragged.