Hi all,

So I was out to dinner on Friday with my parents when I got a text from my therapist asking if I wanted to talk that night. She had missed our Tuesday session because of some medical lab work she needed to get done. I said I could talk but it would be late, around 7 PM which was fine with her.

We talked and a lot of it was about self harm because I have been very stressed and anxious for the past week and self harm is a maladaptive coping tool. I hadn't self harmed at that point but I realized in talking with her that she got really sad. So that night I felt really guilty even though I hadn't done anything.

So the next day I texted her and asked her if she was sad when I was talking about self harm. She said she was but because she hates to see me in so much pain. (I really wasn't in pain though, I was wanting to regulate distressing emotions of anxiety.)

Then a couple of hours later she sends me another text. It said "I don't intend to put pressure on you. I certainly don't want you to feel guilty or that I'm disappointed if you do self harm. I'm going to do some research and consulting to more fully understand the intensity of the pain that you deal with daily."

This kind of freaked me out because when I first started working with her I was very open about everything and she assured me that she could help me. I've been to several therapists and made some progress but y'know, still got issues. Still need help.

I texted her a picture of a book that is about self harm and then I ordered her a book from Amazon that I read years ago that is more based towards clinicians about self harm.

I'm frustrated and concerned because while I can educate her on my experiences, I really need to know that she understands this symptom and that she's got it. Like she has a plan. A therapeutic plan that she is using to help me. I think right now I am doubting her competence. I think it's good she is going to consult and do research but she admitted on Friday that she doesn't really understand. I mean, isn't being understood kind of core to therapy? EEK.

On top of the anxiety I am having about medical stuff now I am having anxiety about this. I almost want to cancel my appointment with her tomorrow because I'm freaked out about this whole topic. But that would be running away from it, instead of dealing with it.

I don't know that I can tell her that I need her to really get this and have a handle on this and come up with a plan if she didn't already have one.

I don't know what to do.

Thanks if anyone reads this far.

HUGS Kit