I'm struggling a lot lately with being a "social animal".

In recent years (I'm in my mid-30s) I've become increasingly stressed out and frustrated with obligations to others (that very word can jangle my nerves). It's started to feel like relationships are nothing but pressure, pressure, pressure, demands, demands, demands. Seems like every decision I make is a big problem for someone (usually my significant other). We are all born with so many obligations in life already - we have to pay the bills, stay reasonably healthy, rest and refresh ourselves in some way, plan for the future, find some kind of meaning in your life, and so on. I'm trying the best I can do achieve these things, but relationships get in the way, mostly because of demands on time and money that usually come with relationships. It seems like people rarely understand that there are only 24 hours in a day, I'm only one person, and I can't be everywhere with everyone all at the same time.

I dread holidays and birthdays - there's that old saying about "better to give than to receive", but giving gifts just feels like bills. Just when I get Christmas out of the way, a friend's birthday is in January, Valentine's Day, another birthday in May, and so on. I just want a year off from having to buy anyone gifts. And yes, they say you can just make something "heartfelt" like a card or something, but I don't know how to do things like that. Imagine staring at a wickedly complicated calculus problem with all kinds of strange symbols, and people are telling you "just find the answer" as though that's so easy to do.

I'm trying to steer the ship of life as best I can without crashing, and I don't want to cause pain to anyone. I've made one of my life missions to leave the world better than I found it - and I'm not sure how to do that - but I've been faced with the seemingly unshakeable conclusion that social relationships are not my "calling". Not everyone has it in them to be a great scientist, brilliant artist, or a brave fighter. Why isn't it possible that others aren't cut out to be close personal companions? Maybe that's me.

It's also frustrating that almost every book on self help, personal development, positive psychology, philosophy of happiness, etc. harps on about how important it is to have close personal relationships. I've done that, and the results aren't showing for me. Sometimes it feels like these books are just manuals for some make and model of Human Brain that I wasn't born with. I have some other model that doesn't match these manuals at all, and I don't know where to get a manual that will help me. And suppose I am a naturally un-social animal - what the heck do I do then, seeing as how I'm in a world where everyone else wants the opposite??

It's hard to fight off the temptation to just cut all ties, move a few states away, and live a simple, solitary life with nobody around to criticize, condemn, and complain. I've been trying to practise mindfulness and meditation lately, so I know these could just be fantasies made up by my own mind, or a "grass is always greener on the other side" situation. I know our brains feed us false perceptions sometimes, especially about broad questions like "is my life good" - and I'm really trying to step back from the emotions and daydreams and see things as they really are. It's hard.

I'd appreciate any insights anyone might have, or a hint at what kind of mental disorder might be going on with me.


Thanks, and I hope you are happy, peaceful, and free of suffering