I am really f'ed up. My mental and emotional state is all upside down and inside out.

My husband came over after work yesterday, we took a drive, and he bought me a beautiful bouquet of tulips. When he dropped me off, we kissed.... he asked me to come spend a day with him this weekend, to just chill out and enjoy some down time together. He said it would be very good for me. I said I would think about it.

I don't think I've ever been this f'ed up before. I spend most days alone, I am scared and am totally freaking out. Trying to get a job has been hard so far. And here he is, trying to be my knight in shining armor. And, man, is it hard to resist! I have weakened..... but a large part of me still wants to go through with the divorce.

We talked a little about what that would look like - if, HYPOTHETICALLY, we DID get back together. People on both sides would be looking at us cross-eyed. Everyone will think that we are both insane. His friends no longer like or approve of me, at least one couple does, and they think he is wrong or skewed in his thinking about wanting to get back together with me. I've sent his female friend screenshots of text messages between he and I.... to prove that he has been abusive. More than once. They don't agree with my perspective and naturally, do not see that side of him, so of course, they defend him and think I am in the wrong. That by itself makes me feel like total crap.

We would probably both be abandoned by our respective friends. And then I would be stuck in the same situation all over again. Uncertain, not feeling safe, not trusting him, and not knowing if he's going to explode again on me... in time.

On the flip side the thought of seeing him move on with another woman drives me crazy. I cannot imagine it, and I would wonder if he's changed... for her. He says he doesn't want to see me with another guy either.

Going through what I am going through, all by myself, is doing a real number on my mental health, and it's causing me to weaken and make poor decisions. It's causing my own thinking to be skewed.

Yesterday, I was seriously suicidal because of Valentine's Day and everything else going on. I really need a therapist. I have been without one for months, and I think at this point, I need one.

That's my only answer to this conundrum - get a therapist. And call my abuse advocate.