I had a session with my current (soon to be former?) therapist last night. I told her that I am really depressed, but I didn't tell her why. I also did not tell her about the appointment with potential new T on Monday. I know I should have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She always says she loves me and even last night she said I am special to her. It's like how can I think about leaving that?! But I also know she isn't really helping me, no matter how loving she is to me. The loving part feels good, don't get me wrong, but I don't feel that she really understands me or really knows how to help me. I don't think we really have any goals. We just focus on what is going on the past week for me and while that can be helpful, it doesn't seem like anything good comes from it. No skills. No nothing. I'm really stressed about seeing possible future T because I need to figure out exactly what it is that I want to be working on. She asked me yesterday when she called but I wasn't really ready for the question and I didn't have a great answer. It's going to be a hard week. I really hope I don't end up self-harming to deal with the stress. I know I should probably text current T and at least tell her I am consulting with someone else but I can't seem to do that, either. Yup. I'm a big chicken.