Yup that's my fixer mentality shining though ....if it's my fault then I can fix it

That's what a close friend that's known both of us for over 30 years keeps telling me . He says she is abusing me with all this and that I have been damaged, that I should file 1st . He says she's narcissistic.

I love her and I'm not ready to let go yet until there are no other options.
This is her sickness and I made a vow to stand beside her in sickness and in health, good times or bad. Isn't that what this is ??

To me that's giving up on what I most want ...my wife in my life and the dream we both shared when we got reconciled and moved here .

As for what did , years ago I became kind of an asshole when I let my anxiety get the best of me after some financial troubles, never physically but my mouth often lashed out as I didn't understand yet how to cope with my anxiety .
She wouldn't say anything about it due to her PTSD triggering a fear of being physically hurt if she spoke up as that's how her parents were. . Neither of us knew that at the time as much of what she endured was suppressed and burried and so there was no essential feedback in our communication in that way.
When we almost divorced before all of this came out .
I heard her, got help and through my therapy, I learned to cope with my stuff and she worked on her stuff and started getting more assertive and gave me feedback. It was going fantastic until the flashback during her Dr exam I meantioned previously then it all started falling apart .

According to her lately I am still critical and hurtful with my words and did not treat her well . I disagree completely yet I increased the frequency of my therapy to try to make sure as thats the last thing I want to do is hurt the woman I love .
Unfortunately it appears her damage from her past has her using transference to attach all her baggage from her childhood onto me imo. My therapist suggested this last week and it makes a lot of sense.

Lately it's stuff like
"it's not that you use hurtful words per se but the message I received is "insert whatever she thinks I'm doing or
"that made me feel like" insert whatever she wants to accuse me of.

Yet she loves to point out to me she is not responsible for my feelings if I hurt, only I am. Funny how she uses that statement like a one way street.

Her perception is often not reality and she keeps interpreting stuff in ways that they are not, connecting dots that aren't there to form conclusions based upon speculation and her thoughts in the moment.

She has PTSD/depression and has been told by her therapist that she may also have BPD.
My therapist tells me that the nature of PTSD is it lies to those plaugued with it yet she won't accept this as a valid reason for much of her feelings, better to blame the person who has loved/supported her for decades and would move the heavens to help her 😢 .

Sometimes she owns this and says she is damaged, how it's not fair to me and I deserve someone who can make me happy and give me the love I deserve .
This kills me as I want/deserve only her love . More often then though not it's back to how I'm an asshole .