I'm wondering if you would be open to speaking to your pastor (or whoever your religious advisor is)? From my perspective, you need answers to questions you can't answer on your own. I've faced a similar challenge and found finding answers about faith to be helpful.

I have my perspective on your current situation based on my own experiences. Is it possible that this abusive, narcissistic, manipulative person is in your path and a major temptation when you are stressed, because you are supposed to change your path just enough to go around him? That you are supposed to find out how to deal with all these things in a different way than you used in the past? Those choices led you back to here, so it seems like you need to do things differently to no longer be stuck in this pattern. That's just my perspective.

What do you have to lose to talk to a pastor? It's free, it's confidential, and you will feel less alone. That may be enough to start small changes for the better for you.

You deserve to be fully happy, not just sometimes happy trying to connect bits of times together where happiness didn't last.