this is kind of a weird post

since my last relationship 3 years ago, i have been unable to connect. even in that relationship i couldn't really connect. but its getting worse. for context im a 24 year old girl

im so afraid of people. i am bisexual but cannot form any kind of relationship with a man because my mistrust is so deep. my previous long term relationships have been with women. i have a sort of off and on relationship with a man online but we only text, and i think ive allowed myself to be vulnerable with him because he doesn't seem fully real since he 'lives in my phone'. text on a screen.

i constantly fantasize about having a partner that is basically a mother figure and i know how weird that sounds but its not even a sexual thing. i just think constantly about this fantasy life where i am with a woman who takes care of me, protects me, and loves me and is invested in me. it is a nice fantasy but then here i am back in the real world, super lonely and afraid all the time, living on my own and trying to make ends meet.

i live in new york city and the feeling of detachment can be so strong here. i need to be with someone but everyone just wants sex and all i can think about is wanting to be loved and protected.

i dont know what to do