Yes, eating disorders aren't about weight and it doesn't matter how much you weigh to have an eating disorder. I was afraid they'd think badly of me though....that they'd think "Geez, how can she have eating issues? She's so fat...."

See, it's not as if I just stated that I was underweight. I talked about food and weight all the time b/c it was on my mind all the time. I'd say how fat I was and they'd always say I wasn't...but I am.

:is your reason for wanting to leave them *really* to avoid hurting them, or is it to avoid possibly having them reject you?:

It's both actually. With my one friend it's more about rejection. IIt's selfish, I know. I would do anything not to see him hurt..especially by me. Yet, fear of him leaving me or rejecting me is greater. Then with my other friend he's just so fragile....it would hurt him so much. He's very depressed and sometimes suicidal. He would blame himself and beat himself up for it when it was all me. I don't want to lose him either...but with him I worry more about hurting him.

I wish I could start over and just have a completely honest relationship with them. They except me for who I am...and that's so hard b/c I never expected that. I've never really opened myself up to anyone...but I have with them.

Yet, I can't turn back time so I have to deal with the present. I don't want to do that either...I don't like either outcome so I just keep prolonging it. And that's just making it worse.

I have a problem with lying. I'm trying to stop that though, and I've done very well except for this. In the past, I tended to be a habitual lier. I've grown a lot over the past year, and have come to find how good it is to be honest rather than lie. The more I grow, the more this tears me apart.

I'm trying to be upfront and honest with the new people I meet. In the past lies would just come out before I had a chance to think about it. I'm doing better though....and I see I'm getting off topic here.

Thanks for your advice. I wish this would all just go away, but I know it won't. *sigh* Take gentle care.

Hugs,
flier