i hate this... i think my T is letting me just "sit" in this. In fact.. i am pretty certain of it. i can't ask for a return call unless it's an emergency or something like that. i cannot call for plain reassurance, or for something that i can supposedly give myself - that last part is a problem and he and i disagree on it. i can see it as a goal, but not a current reality.

i ***have*** to find a way to make myself leave the house to do some important paperwork for my new job. i have forms to fill out, etc. i have to physically go. But.. i suffer periodically from some sort of social anxiety... and sometimes i cant leave my house.

im scared... and i need this job... i really do... but all that information does is make me even more anxious. i'm such a failure... at life in general. What kind of loser can't leave their house? It's stupid! What does my brain think is going to happen? Piano fall on me?

i called T three times... he lets me leave voicemails because it helps to just put my thoughts out there.. helps to pretend in a way that i am talking it through with him... but i told him in the last two that i need to leave my house and i cant... told him i was struggling... told him the things i have tried already tried.... i emphasized the need and the importance of this job. i want him to call me back... so badly...

but i did not {i]ask[/i] and i know that means he will not call....

but i cant ask him to call because i am afraid that it's a situation in which i am not supposed to call... and he would call if i ask explicitly, but he would not be really happy about it and he would tell me i should not have asked for a return call..... if he did that i would just be crushed and that would be even worse than now. So i am trapped. i cannot risk asking, he won't call if i dont ask, and in MY opinion...i need him. i don't know that he would agree.

what i want from him is some understanding... some suggestions maybe on how to convince myself to go out.... some way to help me win the agurment in my head. i know enough to know that the fear is unreasonable... i know i'm not supposed to trust it.. but i don't know how to do that yet.

oh god... i wish he'd have some pity right now