I think I realized something.

This weekend I took Friday off. My youngest was sick for over a week often up at night. The big fella bought a new old car which required work. Everything got done. We worked on the car. I was up often with youngest. I did laundry, I visited neighbors, I made meals. We had supper together every day for the last two weeks. The house was clean, really clean. I made meals on Saturday to carry us through to Wednesday. I even went to visit elderly family in the nursing home. And there was TIME to do it all. It wasn't hard. I got a big workout in too. And I had down time, and I hung out with the kids.

I think I was so exhausted, for so many years, because I was always trying to anticipate what the right thing to do was. And no matter what I did, or how much, it was wrong or not enough.

I think that is why I felt like there was nothing to look forward to. I used to feel like cheese cloth, like I was stretched so thin you could see through me.

A night of working on a car at a friend's place meant umpteen phone calls and me being in trouble for my "hobby" of working on our own cars. Doing homework meant laundry wasn't getting done. Doing laundry meant we didn't have uninterrupted date nights and down time together. Going to help my elderly family with packing their home meant I had to get home to take over because my wife would be tired from being with the kids. Going to visit grand parents meant I was in trouble because my wife didn't like my parents and would find fault for me going, and find fault for things I did while there, and owe her when I got back.

There was only work, and nothing but work, and no amount of work was enough to justify being tired, or being sore, or having her assume some of the responsibilities at home.

There's a fellow I know through work. His garage is much better than mine. I was working with him one night and he asked, "What do you like to do?"

Long pause........ "I don't know."

I genuinely don't know.

Like.... There's been nothing to look forward to. Just the next day, and the next, and the next, and just trying to do enough and get far enough ahead so that she'd be happy and relaxed and maybe we could be close. But I had to get THAT right too, or the night came to a crashing end.