I had a sobbing melt-down a little while ago. I'm calmer now. I think I keep coming to this thread to pour out my anguish because I haven't found where else to go. It's starting to dawn on me that I shouldn't be going through threw this with zero support from my healthcare providers. I know there's no magic fix. No silver bullet. Just having my provider listen and care would mean a lot.

These sobbing sessions seem to get started by unusual anxiety. I would like to get some Ativan. After my boyfriend died in 2020, there was some Ativan left over that hospice had brought. I found it helped me calm down, when I would have a bad spell of grief, where I got crying and couldn't stop. I flew with his body to NYC. There was a layover to change planes in Dallas. I had been ok. Then, when walking through the Dallas airport to switch planes, I got this "attack." I could feel myself almost becoming hysterical. It was grief and depression and anxiety mixed together. Plus I was totally alone. I took 3 Ativan pills. (Each was 0.5 mg.) In 25 minutes I was much, much better. It didn't numb me ti my grief. Not at all. But it allowed me to calm down, collect myself and believe that "I can get through this." I knew I had to get to my plane. I had to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Doctors/providers are very slow to give out benzos these days. That's as it should be. But there is a time and a place when they are helpful. Not so I can go numb and zone out, but so I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I am going to give myself permission to not do a lot today . . . other than what might make me feel better.