I have always said, I don't believe in men's work and women's work, there is ONLY work.

As the youngest in an alcoholic home I often was asked to make meals while the older ones looked after farm responsibilities.

When I got older, I became the person to assume farm responsibilities. I left from working on the family farm at 20, and went into residential construction, mining, forestry, and eventually university. I don't mind working.

I never saw my wife as entitled, but I think she is sheltered in some ways. As my oldest said, "Mom has no idea how much anything costs. Anything that went wrong with a car or with the house, you just did it."

I have a first cousin who used to work in private practice as a counselor, who has taken a public sector job in the last 10 years. Yesterday I had a counselling appointment with my counselor, and called my cousin last night to talk through a couple of things the counselor said during my session.

I have always viewed my wife as a very, very deeply good, moral person. I carry so much guilt for things I did wrong that have injured her.

Yesterday my counselor said, "But did you though? Did you actually injure her? She found out you had been viewing pornography after turning to her repeatedly and saying you needed physical contact, affection, and a sexual relationship. She felt no need to meet you on those things. You shocked and probably did injure her, but 10 years later she was still playing that same card. It was the way to not have expectations on her. Then when she and your father had their ridiculous falling out over religious convictions, she used your reasonably strong response to your father as another means to manipulate you. She instilled guilt for not 100% backing her. There was always, always some reason to be angry at you, and hurt, despite everything you have done for her and your kids, and she used that anger repeatedly to divert expectations from herself."

Last night I phoned my cousin. I told her my wife had texted me multiple times last week and again this week, and that it instills almost panic in me. She said, "You do realize you've been manipulated for a long time, right? It is one thing for a partner to accept a lot of responsibility due to illness or other circumstance, but accepting so much anger and being told all the time your contributions weren't enough is manipulation. There is nothing you've asked for or expected for yourself from your partner. She knows how to elicit a response from you. She knows your buttons. As time goes on, and as financial realities hit her, as the kids have less and less contact with her, the narrative she has told herself and that her friends supported, that she is a powerful independent woman and a beloved mother will start to fall apart. She will become desperate. Her attempts to elicit a response from you will increase. Her attempts to bribe the kids to be with her will increase. She doesn't accept the reality that they have chosen you, which also means she is somewhat delusional. She will escalate things in the months to come."

TODAY, my oldest talked about the rampant manipulation he saw his mom perpetrate on me, and how he truly does not view her as a good person.

So.... What if I'm wrong? What if she was never a very good person, or hasn't been for a lot of years? What if she really was deeply manipulative of me and that was her primary goal with the guilt that has been heaped on me for years.

RDM