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MzJelloFluff said:
i hate this... i think my T is letting me just "sit" in this. In fact.. i am pretty certain of it. i can't ask for a return call unless it's an emergency or something like that. i cannot call for plain reassurance, or for something that i can supposedly give myself - that last part is a problem and he and i disagree on it. i can see it as a goal, but not a current reality.

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Your T is smart.

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i ***have*** to find a way to make myself leave the house to do some important paperwork for my new job. i have forms to fill out, etc. i have to physically go. But.. i suffer periodically from some sort of social anxiety... and sometimes i cant leave my house.

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Would it help to go with a friend?

Can you go even though you're feeling a little anxious? Maybe you can think of it like dating. You're never going to get to a point where you're TOTALLY free of anxiety on your date. Instead, you assess when your anxiety is manageable and when it's manageable, you go for it. You probably won't know if it's manageable until you actually get out and try. So try.

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im scared... and i need this job... i really do... but all that information does is make me even more anxious. i'm such a failure... at life in general. What kind of loser can't leave their house? It's stupid! What does my brain think is going to happen? Piano fall on me?

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What's all this "I'm a failure at life" BS? You're not a failure at life. What does that even mean? What does it mean to be successful at life? These are all just concepts that people are fed and have to basis in reality. You're a normal person with problems. Everyone has problems. Some people KNOW that everyone has problems, and that helps eliminate a big problem: loneliness and shame for being imperfect. Just remind yourself that people have problems. When you fall, get up. It's simply.

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i called T three times... he lets me leave voicemails because it helps to just put my thoughts out there.. helps to pretend in a way that i am talking it through with him... but i told him in the last two that i need to leave my house and i cant... told him i was struggling... told him the things i have tried already tried.... i emphasized the need and the importance of this job. i want him to call me back... so badly...

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What's your T going to do? Run the errands for you? You have an opportunity to seize on some self-reliance and self-efficacy. Are you going to rise to the occasion or just dwell in your house thinking about it? Summon your own inner strength. EVERYONE has inner strength, no exceptions.

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but i did not {i]ask[/i] and i know that means he will not call....

but i cant ask him to call because i am afraid that it's a situation in which i am not supposed to call... and he would call if i ask explicitly, but he would not be really happy about it and he would tell me i should not have asked for a return call..... if he did that i would just be crushed and that would be even worse than now. So i am trapped. i cannot risk asking, he won't call if i dont ask, and in MY opinion...i need him. i don't know that he would agree.

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Look at all this work you're doing trying to figure this all out. You'd think you were answering a test on Symbolic Logic: If T, then call; If all emergencies are call-worthy, and this is an emergency, then blah blah blah. Just try and relax. You have all the resources within you already.

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what i want from him is some understanding... some suggestions maybe on how to convince myself to go out.... some way to help me win the agurment in my head. i know enough to know that the fear is unreasonable... i know i'm not supposed to trust it.. but i don't know how to do that yet.

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Like I said before, it's okay to have some anxiety. Or even a lot of anxiety. What I've found helps a lot a lot, is to befriend yourself and your anxiety. If you're not sure how to do that, ask yourself how you would feel and what you would say if a person in your exact situation confessed to you the same problem you're having.

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oh god... i wish he'd have some pity right now

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Meh. Good luck.