Hey RD, just wanted to offer more support.

The things you post feel so familiar to me. It sucks.

The more I've learned about covert manipulation, the more it becomes the lens through which I watch him. I see it now, where before he got the benefit the doubt.

Reading a book right now that's a psychological study of passive aggressive behavior. When they started their study they realized that everyone can identify it (particularly where a pattern exists) but few clinicians have much awareness of it because they perpetually give the benefit of the doubt. We aren't to blame for their maladaptive behaviors that are loaded with plausible deniability that they use in their favor. And we shouldn't feel badly because we operated from a place of love.

I ask myself often if he was always like this and have come to the conclusion of yes and no. He's always used maladaptive behaviors, but earlier on, he probably didn't have to resort to them as much. It gets worse as life becomes more complex.

Her cop out answer about you looking at pornography is exactly that. It's a shutdown answer. My husband has his own versions of this, things that will automatically stop a discussion because now there's nothing else to say. It basically kills the relationship because problems are never worked through and thoughts are never validated.

I've also thought a lot about the whole relationship being a lie, but that's very black and white thinking. He's definitely been less of a husband than he should have been, but my damage from childhood allowed it. Overall it doesn't negate the experience of my life. It hurts though. But the only comfort now is learning and growing as a human being. Hopefully it's not too late in life to do something productive with the knowledge.

Hang in there, RD. Hopefully brighter days are ahead, but for now one day at a time.