I sent ex-T a break up text since I didn't do it in session. She tried to call me later that night but I was already in bed. So she left me a voicemail. I texted her again and then she replied. This is what she said. (It's long.)

It is so okay
I've been thinking the very same thing. I am not able to give you the consistency you need, due to my health issues and age. You are wrong, however, about not understanding the self harm. I may have communicated that poorly. It is the combination, unique to you, of the self harm urge with the OCD element, and your religious/spiritual beliefs that I wanted to be able to connect with...not on an intellectual level but on an intuitive one. I think of my clients every day, and probably get too connected, but for me...that's the only way I've seen people get better. We know each other fairly well and you will forever be in my heart and prayers. I am saddened to lose you, and don't believe you will ever find anyone that cares as much for you. But, you may well find a traditional therapist who will insist you do a, b, and c....whatever.....and hold you to that. Maybe indeed you will feel more comfortable with someone with stricter boundaries and more distant. I wish you the best. I only regret that you felt unable to tell me about your thoughts/doubts before you jumped. We can't hang out as friends, but I will always be open to hearing from you. It is imperative that you begin to put yourself first and I applaud your bravery to do so. There truly has been a miscommunication about the self harm, as I was working at getting past the traditional book perspective and trying to know your heart, mind, and soul. But also, you had begun to take care of me, and that is sweet and compassionate, but works against your own healing process. I'm truly happy for you that you have found someone you believe will be more effective for you. I'm also glad, for your own mental health, that you left me....and I didn't need to refer you or recommend someone else. You might perceive that as abandonment, which it would not have been, but would not have helped you much either. In summary, I am personally heartbroken to have lost you, but professionally I very much agree with and support your decision. May God always be with you.....
_____________________________

Some of this made me feel like crap actually. Like the part where she kind of kept saying that she did understand my self harm. Funny because we hardly ever talked about it. And she said at one of our last sessions that she didn't really understand it. So who is she kidding? And the part where she said that she is heartbroken. Ouch. And the part where she was glad she didn't have to refer me or give me recommendations. Ouch. And the part where she was like I don't think you'll find anyone else who will care for you as much. Ouch.

It's hard because I love her but crap like this hurts. I wish she could have kept her personal stuff out of the ending and just focused on me. Cause I feel like garbage for ending with her.

HUGS Kit