I had therapy and pdoc today. Both helped. My therapist and I just chatted much of the session. I think he was trying t help me focus on something long enough to talk through it. He also reminded me I've been much worse which I needed to hear. I just know this is the worst I've been since I've been on clozaril which is 7 years. He also reminded me the med change will help.

Then my pdoc...oh my poor pdoc. I've been in panicky contact with her so many times in the last week or two. Today I signed on for my sesion and it said to take a seat in the waiting room. Somehow I'd been changed from video to in person and I was 2.5 hours away from in person. I don't know how that happened; I certainly did not ask to change to in person and I swear it was video when I did the pre-appointment stuff last week. But they worked it out and I got the video appointment.


She helped just by verifying she can see I'm feeling bad and because this happened last year in the same week next year we're going to be prepared so I don't have a month of waiting for my patches to arrive. I know it's weird but I need to hear that it's visible I feel bad because I start questioning myself. I think I start to think I've been feeling like this forever so why am I complaining?


My patches are in her office and will be mailed to me as soon as her secretary is in the office. I'm increasing to the higher dose starting tonight. That makes me nervous I could totally run out of patches but I have a pretty good supply still and I really need the higher dose. She also increased my bedtime klonopin because I accidentally did that last week and felt better. She says when the extra anxiety meds annoy me we'll know it's time to reduce them. That makes sense to me.


So I'm still not good but I've got a lot going on to help me. Which feels better than I have in a while.