Saw my doctor today. Got my gastro scope results back everything is all good with my gut and my celiac. I’m doing all the right things with avoiding gluten.

Anyway he asked how I was. Mood wise I think I’m pretty good still? But he asked about my anorexia how I’m dealing. I told him basically after I saw him I was looking at a cookbook and realized I was undereating worse than I thought. And I’ve become more aware of my skewed thinking about what is normal and how what I’m doing isn’t normal. This self awareness thing. Especially being around normal people this week.

Like I feel I’m on a right path. And he agrees. He says he’s not too worried about me because I’m making good choices now.

I know I feel better not so stuck in my head. But I still haven’t told my mom or sister how I’ve been because part of me wants to hold onto it. Like I’m not ready to completely stop what I’m doing.

Like it’s not really even about losing weight anymore I just don’t want to eat. It goes I don’t want to eat. Then I reluctantly eat lunch. Then I reluctantly eat dinner. It feels like a chore most of the time. Doctor says maybe it’s part of depression but he even admits he doesn’t know much about anorexia.

But I’m making progress. And I told my doctor I put myself on a wait list for a psychologist that specializes in eating disorders. So he said that’s good.

I see him in about three weeks. Hopefully I have good progress.

One problem I keep having is I find these healthy or low calorie snacks at like Winners or somewhere and I buy them. Then I get too scared to eat them. So they sit there. And then I find more snacks and the process repeats. I need to eat those snacks.

I heard from people about eating disorder treatment centres and they make people eat three meals a day and three snacks in between. That feels like so much to me. Nowadays I eat small lunch, regular dinner, and maybe a snack. My thinking is so skewed.

Anyway now I’m getting around and around here with my comments. I cried a little today when I was talking to my doctor. I apologized and he’s like ‘sometimes you have to let it out’. Isn’t that true.

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