There were things that were always tricky to navigate with her. But I loved her and accepted those things. They were challenging, but I had my glitches too

She was supportive of my education, she believed in my abilities, she was interested in connecting with my family.

I made big mistakes that hurt her and damaged her attachment to me. I know that.

She doesn't accept that always, alllwaaays suggesting seperation, divorce, time apart, etc., made it hard to attach to her. I was always in pursuit of her.

In later years that changed. I was still in pursuit, she still threatened distance, but the anger showed up. She changed, and there was no way to talk or reason or anything with her.

Ok... This makes me vulnerable to say this. I said some of this before.

She was extremely attractive to me for lots of reasons. I felt like there was something inherently wrong with me. Even when we got married I could accept that she loved me but she couldn't possibly be attracted to me.

I told her this often. To me, the ultimate validation of attraction was a willing sexual partner. I didn't have that with her. She straight up told me, "I don't need sex very much." When I said I really needed this, and just contact and affection, she suggested we divorce.

I said before that I read somewhere that a person who hasn't experienced secure love and attachment will mistake longing for love.

I wonder if that is part of what I experience with her. It's a lifetime of insatiable longing.

Because of that, I'm incredibly drawn to her, and there's no two ways about it, she's a beautiful woman. She has a great smile and a great laugh, and a good sense of humor. She is very sexually desirable to me, and I wanted to be around her forever.

I told her one time that I wanted to be with her for the rest of our lives, and it was selfish but I hoped I passed first, because I wouldn't be strong enough to be without her.

The times we connected and had good sexual experiences together.... I felt complete. I felt loved, I felt wanted, I felt secure.

Those times were fantastic and very rare.

Those times, that feeling, it's probably worse than nicotine or heroin for me. I don't know how to stop pursuing that with her.