i know earth mamma... he was really "wow." i could not have asked for a more perfect call (well, he could have said he was going to come and sit with me, or i was welcome to call him day or night 24/7 just for a chat!) i still just feel so warm and fuzzy thinking about how gentle and compassionate he was. The wasn't an ounce of frustration.. none. He actually said that he had planned to call me at 5pm, after his last appt (even though i had not asked). He called when he did because i told him i didn't have a lot of time to decide to do something... i needed to have forms filed by a particular time. That meant a shorter call(phooey) but it's ok.. he was amazing.

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It's sooooo hard Jello, did you feel like this as a child? Were you chastised or humiliated for asking for what you needed?

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well.. that is complicated...it isn't like i said "mamma... can i have love/attention/validation please?" and was then made fun of or anything... It's more like i acted out... tried harder to please... did whatever a child a child does to get needs met.. and instead of getting anything or enough of anything, i was pushed aside and made to feel like i was doing something wrong in trying to get anything in the first place. i was "too demanding," for example. Later, even still as young as 13, i had my relationships instilling the idea in me that i wasn't supposed to have needs.. i didn't deserve anything from anyone..

omg.. that makes me want to cry... that is a painful set of memories

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Can you try to go out for another reason? Maybe going out for the job stuff is too much because on some level you know that if it is successful, you will be out of your comfort zone even more.

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i tried to do this... go out for another reason... but i ran out of time basically. So... i did what T said... got ready, everything assembled that i needed and sat by the door until i could just make myself go out there... then i went to the car, sat there... drove to the bank.. sat there... and finally was able to go in and deal with the paperwork. The whole thing exhausted me... by the time i got home i had a pounding headache.

i have two weeks to get my %#@&#! together to actually start the job... in that time i have to adjust mentally to all the new circumstances that creates

thank you so much for the support guys... you folks rock!