I'm probably writing here because there is still a part of me that wants to not feel like this...I'm just getting more and more tired. I'm tired of pretending like I'm ok. I always say "i'm ok". I'm too tired to get dressed or even shower unless I need to go for a dr. appt. I'm tired of being sick. It's scary to think about what could possibly make you feel better and the answer really be "nothing". It's awful. I'm tired of being here...I think there has been some mistake even. Don't get me wrong because I believe suicide is not right and it goes against what I believe in, but I definately do pray for a peaceful exit and an "i'm ready" attitude.
When I'm feeling better I say that I'll never feel like "this" again, but here I am again. I thought that my feelings for my son would be enough to stop "this", but now that I'm like "this" again I only think what good am I to him. None really. I'm tired of always being so physically sick and never really escaping this mental madness. I can't be around people because I don't act right and I can't even pretend too well because I'm too sick all the way around. If I'm not making sense...well... lol probably cuz I'm too tired. The worst thought that I have is nothing could make this better...so now what?

At 7 I moved into a funeral home and I can remember having these anxiety attacks about thinking and feeling what it would be like if I was never born...i really think or wish I never was. In fact when terrible things happen...I get mad at my mother because she had me...lol does it make any sense...no probably not. I just feel like a very big mistake was made here...and I don't wanna be anymore...I'm just too tired.

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