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SlumberKitty · Mar 06, 2023, 12:03 PM

Thank you everyone for your support.

New T texted me on Friday after I let her know about the text messages with former T. New T said

Oh Kit, I'm so sorry! It is not your job to comfort or make the other therapist feel better about the situation. Please do not take on this burden. Unfortunately, she is being inappropriate. Perhaps you should block her. It seems that continued contact fom her is detrimental to you.

Then on Saturday morning New T texted me to check on me. She said

Good morning, Kit, Just checking on you. How are you doing?

I said.

Hi T. I am hanging in there. No self harm. I am pretty depressed but my sister is here and we have been talking wedding stuff for 3 hours. It makes me a bit sad because I will probably never be able to get married but I am happy for her. I told three of my friends that I was feeling suicidal. Two prayed for me. I did not hear from the third. Today I just feel down and depressed but I am trying to just keep focused on my sister's joy. Thanks for checking. Have a wonderful weekend.

New T said:

Okay...does knowing that they are praying for you help?

Me:

Not a lot. But it encourages me to pray for myself which I am not good at.

trigger for Christianity

Possible trigger:

And I did that last night...spent time pouring my heart out to God and then I don't know if this makes sense but I felt calmer and a sense of being held. It doesn't fix stuff. God doesn't always fix stuff for us no matter how much we cry out, but He promises to be there for us and to never leave us. I struggle with the idea that Jesus was tempted with suicide and self harm, but the Bible says He went through every temptation we do. So I have to believe he knows and understands.

Then I said

So today, while I still feel depressed and even oppressed by this darkness, I don't feel the same suicidal feelings. They might come back, probably they will, and I will have to deal with them. But for now, I am not alone in the muck and the mire in the bottom of the pit.

New T said:

Yes, I can see how that could work for a little while. I'm glad there is at least some light down there for you. Remember you are worthy, you are loved, and you are important! No matter what the negative thoughts say!

I said:

Thanks!

I feel good that new T reached out to me in what I feel was an appropriate way. I haven't blocked old T. I probably should but IDK I still care about her. So I'm conflicted. In one of former T's texts she said, "I hope you get the miracle you need." Which sucked because it makes it sound like 1) I don't deserve to get better because a miracle is something you don't deserve, and 2) It's practically impossible for me to get better. That is still weighing on me and I am having trouble processing it.

Having my sister and three of her children here this weekend helped, although after about 7 hours I got a bit tired of the wedding stuff and needed to chill and relax so I went home with my Dad and Mom and my Sister's son while the girls and my sister continued to shop. I'm trying to be supportive of the wedding but feeling like crap this weekend and trying to be all happy for my sister took it's toll.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with new T. Hopefully we can process a bit more if needed. I am not in as much of a crisis now.

I still feel really depressed though. Just one day at a time.

I am so thankful for all of you here!

Thanks so much for your care and support during this time!

HUGS Kit