Dear T, I’m glad you had a nice holiday, but you’ve no idea the state you left me in after last session, and it’s been so long I don’t even know where to start when I see you later this week. In your absence I’ve been really struggling. Thankfully there have been days I’ve not thought of you so much thanks to my person taking me on days out and stuff, but there’s been days where you and what happened has been virtually all I’ve been able to think about and stuff with you has still lingered in the background even on the good days and there’s been days when it’s been really awful. It was so bad I even went to see a different T. I say ‘different T’ not ‘new T’ because although you cause me so much pain I still love you and it’d break my heart to part with you, though the verdict’s still out - it’ll depend on how things go in our session this week… I really hope we can repair things. I hope you acknowledge my feelings and validate them and respond in a caring way. I hope you don’t laugh at me again. It hurt so bad when you did that. Not that I let it on. Maybe I’ll let you know. It’s hard when you make me so anxious sometimes to share things with you. But if I don’t tell you how will you know? It’s hard sometimes when I come into session ready to tell you something hard and you’re there with your adorable sweet smiley face and I forget what I was gonna say. Although you make me feel such pain there’s been times where you’ve made me feel on top of the world - cared for, seen, heard, validated, even loved - but the bad times are really bad; I feel hurt, wounded, broken, like my heart is shattered, I feel it physically hurting in my chest, I feel like I can’t trust you anymore and regret telling you anything. Sometimes I think I hate you. Sometimes I think I love you. It hurt that I told you I loved you again and you didn’t say it back this time. Why didn’t you say it back? Why did you deny it when I asked you if you were mad at me? Why did you laugh at me when my child part asked you that hard thing? Why don’t you care? Maybe I expect too much of you. Maybe I’m too much for you. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you and it hurts. I can’t wait to see you but I’m also incredibly anxious about it. And you’ve no idea about any of this. You’ve probably not even thought of me since last session. I just want one of your hugs right now. But I know you’d tell me I need to be there for myself. It’s hard. But I still love you. And I still miss you.