Those times were very rare - you have to look at the reality of what she actually became, and the realities of the relationship.

It IS akin to breaking an addiction. You are addicted to the most rare good times that you had with her, and likely, those were long long long ago at this point.

You're still in the longing, idealistic, and fantasy world of what it's like to be with her. You likely have been in this fantasy world for years, holding onto a mirage of who she is.

The only way forward and the only way to break the addiction is to come down to reality. To accept what she is today and who she has become: a harmful and toxic person who abuses alcohol, who is angry at no fault of your own, and who has harmed both you and your boys. You've got to take her off the pedestal you've placed her on. She doesn't belong there.

You're spinning your wheels, stuck in the same spot. Realize that it IS an addiction - its' the trauma bond at play. And the trauma bond tricks you into idealizing this person and keeps you stuck, like a hamster on a hamster wheel.

You have to get off the hamster wheel. Otherwise, this is how you're always going to feel - constant longing for her and guilt.