Here is my update. Actually, several updates.

In mid-1990s there was a young gentleman, A., who wanted to marry me but I did not take him seriously, in part because I was in love with a much older married gentleman, R., and stuck in a mostly platonic relationship with him that was not going anywhere, but I did not realize how dangerous it was to be stuck in it, waste time and forego opportunities because of it. There were other complicating factors which I will omit for the sake of brevity.

Then I entered into a disastrous marriage to a narcissistic abuser and gaslighter, F., but was not able to see the abuse and gaslighting until 2012. I am still stuck litigating post-judgment divorce issues with F. who was able to exploit my every vulnerability, including mental illness whose onset apparently got triggered by my marriage to him, although I had had a genetic predisposition to it. In 2012 I underwent professional personality assessment which revealed self-defeating personality traits. One symptom of the self-defeating personality disorder is being unattracted to caring sexual partners. Even before I received that diagnosis I had started on a journey of finding out what could have happened had my life unfolded differently. At that time my focus was on exploring what could have happened had I not married F. I wrote to A. He instantly responded saying that I was one of the kindest women in his life but also vulnerable to manipulation by men (I am not quoting him verbatim but conveying the gist of it). He then invited me to briefly meet his wife and children when he was visiting my area on business. He had a much younger wife and two adorable children. I liked him a lot during that meeting and could not understand why in mid-1990s I did not take him seriously. Since then I have been able to reflect on the why and pinpoint that being stuck in loving R. was to blame.

Do note that A. and I never had a sexual relationship.

Very recently, after I broke up the sexual relationship with the Indian gentleman, A. wrote to me that he is going through a divorce. Later he asked if he could join me for our class reunion in October and then travel together. I said yes but had anxiety attacks over it because it seems that destiny is giving me another chance half a life later and I am afraid to squander it. The anxiety attacks, several of them, were quite bad, but now I am feeling better. A. inquired about my personal life and I said that I was available. I now need to think about how to clear my life of various debris in preparation for his visit in October.

I am glad that I broke up with the Indian gentleman when I did as this step goes towards clearing the debris. I also think that it would have been much harsher on him had I broken up because of another man rather than the way I did.

The Indian gentleman is going through a hard time because indeed he was laid off. He needs to find another employer or else go back to the back country. Luckily he will have more than 1 year to look for another employer. He is under a lot of stress. I helped him by connecting him with a friend of mine who is a professional resume writer and career coach and I also lend a listening ear. So I still see him, but with no sex. For the past couple of times I just saw him and I thought that he was over everything, but today he asked to hold my hand and I agreed and it later "escalated" into something unpleasant: before he left my apartment he asked if he could cuddle with me and I said no, citing my need to go watch a training video on YouTube. In reality I just do not want to cuddle with him, period, regardless. I think he perceived it correctly, but am not sure. Because he is under so much stress I feel uneasy about denying him now, but at the same time I want to be firm.

I do know for a fact that I made the right call breaking up the sexual relationship with him. I also freely admit that his adoration of me feels pleasant to me (we like being liked, at least I do). It is March and I need to clear the debris before October: I still have half a year for that.