Sorry I have disappeared, life has just been too much and I have felt like I have been barely holding on.

Awesome T is officially retired AND he is one his first of many adventures and will not have reliable access to phone/internet for 3 months. He does have a social media account that his being updated with his adventure. lately they have been daily updates but we will see if he keeps it up. I love the updates when they post, seeing where he has been and what he has been up to. Honestly, I am terrified of how I am going to react when his adventure comes to an end and I no longer have this connection to him. Even though it is all about his adventure and is posted for some 200 people that are following it I am finding myself loving him more than ever in his humanness. Even the recent update when I wanted to scream at him for being an insensitive a!! I still loved him more.

"New T" is now not so fondly known as Fired T. I thought that maybe his comment about awesome T was a one off... but no. Then he insulted my service dog... she is not a robot but she is a real service dog and is very well behaved. The final nail in his coffin though was a sweatshirt. I realized that Awesome T had done an activity with me using scarfs to symbolize positive influences in my life and then he circled me with the scarves. Well, I have started wearing a lot of "logo wear" and finally realized I was internalizing the activity from awesome T. Anyway... college was one of the best times of my life... so I got a T shirt and a sweatshirt from my college. I wore it to then "new T". He told me he could see what I was doing. I was pushing him away! OMG... He gave me a list of rules that he would terminate me if I broke any one of them... but wearing my college shirt was pushing him away because it was from a school with Catholic heritage.

So... I am back with Art T and she is being so very, very, gentle knowing that I am grieving and struggling. Awesome T is a little concerned waiting for the fireworks between us. I have mixed feelings about being back with art T but right now I need to stabilize, things got pretty scary with fired T and now I truly cannot reach awesome T if I get that far again. Art T is honoring my request to just have a safe space. We talk about what ever I bring up with no pressure from her. We have vented a lot about fired T and talked some about awesome T. Mostly I linger in the smell of the building (shared with awesome T). It doesn't smell like his office but it is the same waiting area... except he got rid of my favorite place to sit the session before he left! Art T holds me when I want her to, reminds me that she loves me and that she is not going anywhere. We joke a lot about me pushing her away.

I have SO many feelings about June... Awesome T will be back. No more nearly daily updates on his adventures... but he promised we would get together for coffee or lunch. No one, including awesome T know what things are going to look like. He will still have reasons to come into the office, will I randomly bump into him waiting for art T? Am I going to hear him or get a glimpse of him but not be able to see him? What is it going to be like to get together with him? Meanwhile I am trying to get clarity on what I need of him to stay the same so that I can have my internalized T and where I can allow him to be himself. Will it be like the priest where things were always the same and was that my boundary or his? Will it be like 1st T where we develop a different relationship? Will it only happen once and I go OH HECK NO! He promised so I know he will not go back on how often he offered to meet with me.