This fear you experience is not bad, it’s very uncomfortable but it’s not bad.

I believe you are a good person and you genuinely love and care. Yet if another person be it a family member, friend, or spouse doesn’t have these qualities they are repulsed. They play a roll to get others to think they care but they don’t and can get cold and angry about it.

It’s very much like hiding an addiction problem which is why alcoholism/addictions are so similar to narcissistic behaviors.

You do not want to be mean or cruel and controlling, you genuinely care. This is not something a narcissistic individual can do. You were just a servant and it never mattered how much you loved and cared, you were to service and that is all. No amount of love and genuine caring is going to change this dynamic. This is the root of what makes you feel crazy and confused.

It’s power and control a disordered individual wants most. And like the alcohol, it’s never enough. They will even buy you things but not out of love, instead to control. Your wife doesn’t love or care about you. This was NEVER because you were unworthy. Actually, there is a kind of jealous involved in that you can love and care and she can’t. Yet, she may play some games of sweetness to get her needs met or just to feed her ego.

Your children know, they just don’t know how to articulate it. They want to be with you because you are safe. They deserve to feel safe and have boundaries so they can figure out who they are and build healthy self esteem.

You deserve the same.