My dear smile1217,looks like you are in denial.A defense mechanism when in abusive relationships. I can relate with you .I thought something was wrong with me,and I deserved the treatment I was getting because I was a faulty person, when I was in denial. In denial you normalize abuse.Not until I accepted it was abuse and I was not at fault, nothing made sense.Now it's like puzzle pieces falling into place to form a clear picture of what it really is.Oh,boy.